A Bird's-Eye-View

Most kids of my generation were afraid of your typical run-of-the-mill things such as the bogeyman, the dark, and things that go bump in the night. My nightmares, however, slightly differed then that of other kids, but that's not to say that I wasn't equally afraid of things lurking in the dark. My fears included, but not in any particular order: clowns, man eating sharks (thank you Steven Spielberg), and birds. First of all, you're probably wondering why I even bothered to include birds in my category of things that sent me running for the hills. I wasn't always fearful of birds. In fact, I grew up with pet birds throughout most of my adolescent childhood. It wasn't until I saw Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds that this completely altered my view. I distinctly remember the horror of sitting through the movie and realizing that birds might not be the cute house pets we made then out to be. The image of my eyes getting gouged out by cannibalistic, flesh eating birds kept replaying in my head over and over. If it flew and had feathers I was most likely afraid of it. It was official: the master of suspense installed a fear so deep in me that I couldn't go near a single bird, caged or otherwise.

But as the years past and I became a teenager, I had conquered my fear of birds. Hell, I even developed a fascination and appreciation for Hitchcock because of that traumatic experience. I realized early on that most Hollywood horror movies were bogus, just like Santa Clause or the Tooth fairy. Yes, I still got that scary tingling sensation when I watched horror movies; however, at the same time, I knew that I was out of harms way as I sat there eating popcorn in my safe, cozy chair. On the occasion I would scream (sometimes like a little girl) or even jump out of my seat, but it was always a thrilling adrenaline rush to be scared. For me, it was the perfect relationship, and I walked away knowing I could always come back for more (sounds sadistic, I know). What I didn't realize is that sometimes movies can imitate life in one way shape or form. After all, the writers have to get material from somewhere if not from their vivid imagination. And whether I liked it or not, I was about to relive my childhood fears all over again as a full grown adult.
Fast forward to San Francisco, 2009. Even though it was fall, it felt like Indian Summer was still lingering throughout the city. The days might have been shorter, but they were still filled with blue skies and sunshine. I had just gotten off the train from my usual commute home, and I was walking home with a handful of groceries. It couldn't have been a more beautiful evening: there was a slight breeze in the air and the sun was just about to set. I was halfway home when I suddenly felt something brush up against my head. Immediately, I looked up and found a bird flying not to far above my head; he seemed frantic, and he was making a lot of noise. Before I knew it, the bird was swooping down again, but this time, I dodged his attack just as he neared my head.

To make matters worse, there were two other damn birds that showed up out of nowhere and followed suit. This time, I wasn't so lucky, and both birds managed to graze my head which caused me to drop one of my grocery bags. I suddenly felt like I was Tippi Hedren trying to evade the ravenous flock of birds, but luckily for me I wasn't wearing heals. This time there was no avoiding their attacks as all three of them made a mad dash at my head. I could hear their high pitch calls, and I was terrified that they were calling the rest of their rapacious clan of hungry, flesh eating birds to come and pick at me one by one. With one hand trying to protect my head, I grabbed my bag and sprinted down the street, and when I turned the corner I realized they were gone. I was panting and my heard was pounding, and I stood there trying to digest what had just happened. I couldn't help but wonder if my my childhood fears were coming back to bite me (or peck for that matter) in the ass.

With the traumatic bird attack behind me, the next day I decided to completely avoid the street altogether and take an alternate route to catch my train. I went about my day trying to concentrate only on my job, but my thoughts always brought me back to the bird encounter. I did, however, managed to stay focused at the gym later on that day. Thank you hot, sweaty half naked men! After the gym I headed over to Jamba Juice, and by this time my bird dilemma was almost completely forgotten.

But sometimes, life has a funny way of reminding us of things we just want to completely forget. I was just turning the corner when I felt little something tug my hair. I looked up, and sure enough there was a small black bird above my head, and he was coming in for another attack. I managed to avoid the attack, but not the humiliation. The people that were watching me seemed to get a kick out of the fact that I was being ambushed by this bird. Did they know the bird would attack anyone who passed by? Once I realized I was the main attraction, I decided not to exacerbate the situation and walk away with my head held high. I did, however, manage to take a quick glance back, and I realized the bird was already on to another victim.

For the next few days, I managed to avoid both combat zones, but in the back of my mind I felt foolish for not confronting my fears head on like a rational adult. But how can you rationalize with birds? And besides, I was encroaching into their territory. For them, I was the enemy. Then I got to thinking, what if I could compromise, or perhaps meet them halfway? After all, I was a firm believer in reciprocity, so why couldn't I negotiate something with the birds? Granted, I realize I must sound crazy, but I was willing to try anything at this point.

When Monday rolled around, I decided to try out my new tactics in hopes that I would get rid of my childhood fears once and for all. On my way home from work, I started walking down the same street I was attacked on, but this time I decided to walk on the opposite side of the street. As I began to make my way halfway through the street, I saw an older Asian woman walking on the other side, and I instantly realized that she was walking right into a trap! And in a matter of seconds, there were several birds ambushing her from the trees. The woman let out a few screams and attempted to beat them off with her walking cane. My eyes widened with horror, and I started to cross the street to help her when suddenly I realized I was also being attacked! I ducked down and I even tried to hit them, but they were still diving at my head like heat seeking missiles.

Luckily, the older woman managed to run away and escape their invasion, but as for me I was still at the mercy of the birds. I surely thought that I would be safe if I walked on the opposite side of the street, but clearly I was wrong. My plans of negotiation weren't going as well as I'd hoped. In fact, I don't think birds give a shit about reciprocity. About a block later they finally gave up and the first thing that came out of my mouth was: "Fucking birds!" So much for rationality.

With the latest bird intervention still fresh in my mind, I was wondering how to conquer my other one that was still waiting for me near Jamba Juice. Not only did I have to deal with the bird, but I also had to take into consideration the audience as well.

Like clockwork, I finished my workout at the gym and made my way to Jamba Juice, but I still wasn't sure what my plan was. Before I walked into the trap, I stood there and watched other people get attacked one by one. In between his prey, the bird sat in the tree waiting patiently for it's next victim. I stood there for a moment and watched him, and then he met my gaze. I slowly started walking, but I never took my eyes off the bird. Surprisingly, he didn't even budge and inch. There we were both intently watching each other as I put one foot in front of the other. It was a showdown like no other, and one of us was bound to give in sooner or later. At this point I didn't care about anyone else. It was just me and the bird. I kept a slow walking pace as I made my way across the courtyard, but the little shit still didn't move. What was he playing at?

With all the staring and walking, I realized that I had finally made my way across the courtyard without getting attacked. I let out a small relief of triumph. It was official: Will 1, Bird 1. We might have been tied, but at least I knew how to play his game. I took my eyes off the bird and started walking away. Just as I started hearing the victory music playing in the background I felt the SMACK right against my head! I immediately turned my head around just in time to see the bird fly away, basking in it's glory. He had played me the whole time, and I fell for his hook, line & sinker bit. I walked away defeated and embarrassed, and I could hear everyone laughing in the birds victory.
After that week, I gave up trying to negotiate, rationalize, or reciprocate anything with those damn birds. Besides, I was one and they were many. Futile as it might have been, I did manage to confront my fears head on and put my childhood fears to rest once again. The birds might have won this time, but there will be another time and another place. Just remember, they always make sequels. And this time, I would be ready.

Modern Day Hauntings

It's been said that jack-o'-lanterns at one time might have been used to ward off evil spirits that roamed the nights aimlessly on All Hallows Eve. By carving a pumpkin that resembled a monstrous face, some people believed that they could elude any hauntings by these so called spirits. Whether or not this version of Halloweens folklore is the definitive on how to get rid of pesky spirits remains to be seen. It does, however, demonstrate what people are willing to do to appease their superstitions. I then realized that if jack-o'-lanterns could do that for ghosts and demons, then why not for modern day hauntings that terrorize you on a daily basis? Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could do the same for lingering ex boyfriends, the IRS, or even your archnemesis? It would also be most useful against those annoying churchgoing bible thumpers that try to coerce you into joining their religion because you need saving. If our problems could be solved so easily, I think therapists would seek another occupation because their clients would be well equipped to handle any situation with the help of a pumpkin!

Folklore aside, Halloween has been and will always be my favorite holiday (a little morbid, perhaps). The night is filled with all kinds of ghoulish activities that include, but not in this particular order: haunted houses, dressing up (and drag does count), watching horror movies, and candy galore. It was also the one day out of the year where I could dress up and embrace my inner freak. Interestingly enough, I always felt more at home behind the mask then I did in my every day, banal life. Now there's an interesting therapy session, wouldn't you say? "So tell me, Will, why do you like wearing the Wonder Woman get-up?" I would then try to articulate my reasoning with: "Have you ever tried this thing on? I feel so empowered, and fits like a glove! Plus, the lasso comes in real handy in the bedroom!" I don't think he would object to any of those things, do you?

It was my first official Halloween in the city, and I opted to play it safe and stay away from all the chaos on Castro Street (as tedious as that may sound), even though I was tempted to frolic in the streets. Instead, I was spending it with a guy I went out on a date with that previous week. His name was Brad, and we met online. He was tall, well educated, good looking and everything a man could ask for. But there was one itsy bitsy flaw (if you want to call it that) that didn't settle well with me. Yes folks, he was a gay Republican. You're probably wondering how and why. Yes, they do exist. No, they're not an endangered species, yet. He wasn't a supporter of Obama, and from our fist date I had a sneaky suspicion he wasn't in favor of gay marriage either. Danger Will Robinson, danger! I realize I should have called it quits after the first date, but I'm a firm believer in second chances. Maybe there was another side of him that I hadn't seen, or perhaps "what you see is what you get". Either way, I hopped on a bus and headed to Pacific Heights, hoping that he would prove me wrong.

Fortunately, I was running ahead of schedule because the bus managed to brake down halfway to my destination. I only sat there for a few minutes and realized I wasn't going anywhere, so I started to walk the rest of the way. But seeing as how I still wasn't too familiar with the city, I managed to get myself lost. And to make matters worse, it started raining. Seriously? This was beginning to play out like a cheesy horror B movie, and I was inevitably playing the damsel in distress. Instead of trying to find my way around, I called Brad and asked for directions again. He was more then happy to give them to me again. As a matter of fact, he insisted that he would meet me halfway. Normally, I would be ecstatic if any man told me he would meet me halfway for anything, but at that particular time I felt like the sky was falling (dramatic, I know). As I turned and started walking in the opposite direction, I realized that my Halloween was not getting off to a good start.

The rain came and went, but after a while of walking, I saw Brad off in the distance walking towards me. That turned my frown upside down. At that moment I briefly forgot about my perilous journey that brought me to this point, and as he approached I saw that he was wet from head to toe. Dry or wet, he still looked good!

I smiled, trying to hide my embarrassment. "Sorry, I got turned around. Whoever thought Pacific Heights could be so confusing?"

He snickered. "What part of my directions didn't you understand?" He looked at me with those deep, piercing blue eyes, and then he flashed his perfect white teeth. He seemed ever so charming and sincere. "Let's get going, I've got dinner in the oven."

Dinner in the oven? So far he was willing to meet me halfway and he had dinner in the oven. What more could a guy ask for? Hot sex? I couldn't help but feel that this wasn't Brad I met just a few days ago. Maybe this was a cloned doppelganger? Or perhaps his body got abducted by body snatchers? I would even venture to say that this might be his identical twin brother, who was a Democrat! But in the back of my mind I couldn't shake the feeling that his true Republican rhetoric would eventually find it's way into our conversation.

Soon enough, we arrived at his charming two bedroom apartment in Pacific Heights. The apartment was warm and cozy, and as we made our way to the kitchen I could smell the roast that was in the oven. He had also made some appetizers and dessert. A girl could get use to this kind of life! He poured me a glass of wine and we drank to a more pleasant and dry Halloween.

When the roast was done, we made our way to the couch, popped in Big Trouble in Little China (with a very young Kim Katral) and ate our dinner. He seemed more approachable this time around and not as caustic. This second date was turning out to be, by comparison, much better then our last one. Good food, good wine (already on a second bottle!), and surprisingly good company. It felt like one of those nostalgic San Francisco nights where everything was falling into place and things could only get better. But I still couldn't help but feel that Brad had lured me into his parlor to brainwash me with conservative propaganda. I half expected Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin to be lurking under the bed or in a closet ready for the chance to recruit me to the dark side! But don't worry, I was my best guard and kept my defenses up. They weren't going to recruit this homo! All joking aside, Brad was a perfect gentleman throughout the whole evening, and he didn't once embark into Republican territory.

Towards the end of the movie he pulled me closer to him, and the next thing I knew we were both spooning on the couch. After a while of snuggling, he kissed me ever so softly, and I returned his kiss. If Jeopardy had a category for best kissers his name would definitely be listed under it. In fact, I would qualify him as a Daily Double! After a while of kissing and heavy petting, we decided to call it a night and head to his chamber (but alas, no slings or whips).

Normally in the gay world dinner was just another euphemism for sex, but this evening was an exception. For whatever the reason, we didn't have sex that night. We spent it canoodling in his bed watching The Simpsons. When we did go to bed, the snuggling continued throughout the night, and occasionally I would feel him kiss me on the shoulder. Like I said, he was the perfect gentleman. There was no sign of Sarah Palin lurking under the bed or hiding in the closet, for that matter. In fact, I think she was more afraid of us then I was of her. The idea of two men sleeping together half naked probably sent her running back to Alaska. That, or she's a dirty soccer mom and recorded us and watched it when her husband wasn't home...

I woke up to the sound of rain on the window, and I looked around and almost forgot where I was. I rolled over and realized that Bard was not lying next to me. Now this is the part in the movie where you find out they left in the middle of the night.But seeing as how I was at Brad's place, I highly doubt that happened. I sat up and and found him rummaging through his closet. he seemed irritated and frantic.

"I slept through my alarm. I'm running late for work." That was it? No hello and definitely no good morning. Maybe he just wasn't a morning person?

I tried to change the subject. "I had a great time last night."

"Yeah, me too." Except his tone didn't really reveal his conviction. After that he said nothing and left the room to take a shower.

The room suddenly got cold, and I felt as if I had overextended my stay. I sat there on the bed wondering why the sudden change. Maybe I was just overreacting and he had a lot on his mind. Or perhaps now that Halloween was over he decided to take off his mask and show his true colors. Revenge of the Republican has returned! He entered the room again and I reached to touch him, but he wasn't responsive. In fact, he was cold and distant.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just running late." I didn't buy it. Like a typical Republican he was begging the question.

I got dressed and the lingering silence was unbearable. We said goodbye (and no Jeopardy kiss), and I walked to the bus stop feeling like I had been kicked to the curb. I attempted to make some sign of interest by telling him I'd like to see more of him again, but he said he wasn't sure if he had time to date because he was so busy with his job (ouch, that's gotta hurt!). I hadn't heard from him in about a week, and then by chance (if that's what people are calling it these days) I ran into him on the subway. He seemed cheery and friendly like the evening on Halloween. This time I was cold and distant, and I pretended I had somewhere to be (way to play the game, Will!). He sent me a text message apologizing for the other night and said I'm a sweet guy and a good kisser. A good kisser? A few days after that I ran into him again (San Francisco is a small world) on Market Street just coming out of the subway. He attempted the same friendly dialogue with me again, but I was growing tired of trying to decipher his cryptic conversations. And then the next thing that came out of his mouth was predictable and cliche: he just wanted to be friends. I declined, but he seemed upset that I wouldn't at least make an attempt to be friends.

Funny thing about San Francisco is that you always run into the people you don't want to see or you're trying to deliberately avoid. So, instead of trying to worry about running uncomfortable encounters, I decided to take matter into my own hands. That night when I got home, I carved my own jack-o'-lantern (even though Halloween had passed) and put it outside my front door in hopes that it would keep away the bad Republican man away. I waited, and after a month had passed I didn't bump into on the streets. As a matter of fact, I wasn't haunted by him at all, even to this very day. Never underestimate the power of the pumpkin!